It's never as bad as you think it is

The Army has come out with yet another Suicide Prevention Training that we as Chaplains and Assistants are presenting to all of our Soldiers. Most of them hear that they have to sit through this class and their immediate reaction is groaning...they've heard it all before. They are tired of hearing the same thing over and over again. But yet, as they heard the same thing over and over again, Army related suicides and suicide attempts have drastically increased over the last 7 years, and we have yet to take care of our own to find a solution to this problem. The theme of this training is "Shoulder to Shoulder: No Soldier Stands Alone" I like the idea behind the theme, that we need to stand shoulder to shoulder, get close to each other, so close that we know what is going on with each other, that we know when someone is having a bad day, week, month, or whatever. We stand so close to each other that we know when something is wrong. This new training is not the Army's typical death by powerpoint where the Chaplain gets up and reads a bunch of slides saying the same thing over and over. This new training is focused on an interactive video based on real soldiers who either attempted, or committed, suicide. The soldiers being training take on the role of the soldier getting hit time and again to the point of feeling hopeless...and then they become the NCO looking out for their buddy who feels the same way. The point of the training is for the soldiers to make decisions that determine the outcome. If they choose the wrong path, the soldier dies. But if they make good decisions and seek or offer help when it is needed, they save the soldier's life. Its a really neat training, and I really like it. I probably won't be saying that by next Sunday, as I am finishing my 20th training of the same material, but it really is something different. Last night we trained our key leadership, and this morning we trained the first round of joes, and it seemed to go really well.

Unfortunately, for 2 soldiers in my battalion, this training may have come just 2 weeks too late. By God's Grace, we did not lose either soldier, but we have received a wake-up call that there are soldiers dealing with problems that we don't know about. There are soldiers putting up a good front, that everything is ok with them, when they are really hurting inside and need someone to talk to, someone to help them find a way to deal with the pain and hurt that they have bottling up inside. I ask each one of you who reads this to pray for these two soldiers, and for all the soldiers who are struggling with relationships back home, with the stress of deployment, the loss of loved ones, whatever they are struggling with. Please pray for them that they can find comfort and peace and that they can see that it really isn't all that bad, and there is hope, even in this desert.

Oh Joyous Lent

After 6 weeks here in wonderful Iraq, I've finally started to settle into the battle rhythm of our deployment. Its been busy, going with CH F to "pray out" missions, toting along a box of goodies--muffins, candy, and beef jerky mostly that the guys just snatch up for the short or long mission they are about to embark on. This week, I even went on one of these missions with CH F, to a small worksite near here where we have a small contingent of construction guys working. We visited them for a couple hours, then headed back, a nice short mission to start off my trips outside the wire.

I had a small scare before we left, nothing life-threatening or anything, but I have a small Benedictine Crucifix from Fr. B's Ordination that I have worn for for 4.5 years, and a St. Michael medal I got when I graduated from Basic Training. They mean a lot to me, as I value the spiritual direction and friendship I have received from Fr. B, and to have this small token to remind me of his ordination, the first ordination I had ever attended, helps me to get through (not to mention the great spiritual value of wearing a Crucifix to remind me of who I am and why I am here in the first place). As for the Saint Michael medal, it was a cheap 25cent medal I got to replace one my mom had gotten me before I left for Basic Training. The day I first started wearing that medal, I got into a car accident, actually I hit a deer that I swear was possessed, and that I was being spiritually attacked to keep me from embarking on my mission with the Army. I lost that medal about half-way through Basic Training, about the same time that I started to really struggle spiritually. The physical and mental aspects of Basic were easy for me up to that point, but then I started being tempted to quit, and really found it hard to hold onto the faith that had brought me into this position. Since getting the new medal, the only times I have really felt attacked like that have been when I have not worn it for extended periods of time. I lose the reminder of St. Michael's triumphant victory over evil, and find it easier to succomb to those temptations.

This is all wonderful, but I'm sure you are wondering what does it have to do with my first trip outside the wire. That morning, I had combined these two medals onto an extra ID tag chain that I have and added the parts of my Brown Scapular as well. Just before we had our final mission brief, I went to the latrine one last time. As I set me weapon down, I looked on the ground in front of me and saw a part of my scapular on the ground. I picked it up, pulled out the chain and saw that it had broken, and all that remained on it was the other part of my scapular. The crucifix and medal were nowhere to be found. I searched as best I could to no avail, but we had to get our gear on and get moving, so I had to give them up for lost. They stayed on my mind through most of the trip, and it was really upsetting to think that I had lost them.

When we returned, I went to my CHU to lay down for a few minutes before heading into the office. After dinner, when I returned to my CHU for the evening, I sat on my bed to take off my boots, and noticed something shiny next to my foot--my St. Michael medal! And under the bed was my Crucifix! I was soo happy to see them lying there, and I couldn't help but sit back and thank God for little graces that He sends when we need them.

The other big event of this week was Ash Wednesday. For me, this has always been a day that I participated in within the Catholic bubble, at my Catholic middle and high schools, and then at college. Last year, I wasn't able to make it to Mass for Ash Wednesday. But thankfully, CH F is very accomodating to allow me to go to Mass on Saturday evenings, and makes sure that I can go as long as there isn't anything big mission wise going on. I wasn't able to keep as strict of a fast as I normally do, even though I didn't do PT, I was feeling so weak at dinnertime, that I had a larger meal than I had wanted, but it was still considered fasting according to the Church's guidelines so I am not upset about it. CH F was curious how the Church calls us to fast, but we can still eat anything. He is so used to the stricter sense that fasting means not eating at all. He also finds it interesting that we are allowed to eat fish, because he grew up in a culture that considers fish to be meat as well.

I am used to having a few people question me on Ash Wednesday about the ashes on my forehead, but this year I think I had a record number. At first I was uncomfortable with this, since it seemed that they were exactly what the Gospel tells us not to do--being as the hypocrites who fast in public and all that. But then I accepted it as a teaching moment to reach out to soldiers who do not know the joys of lent. When someone asked me, I would take the time to explain the significance of the ashes, and the purpose of lent, and a few of them seemed interested, many not, but if one person learned anything then it was worth it. Besides, I wouldn't have had quite as many comments if I hadn't found out about having internet duty for 3 hours that night as I was getting ready to go take a shower and wash my face.

Welp, this post is getting long and rambly and I haven't even touched on the topic I wanted to...and its midnight so I should get to sleep. More to come...